It was the morning after Indy's surprise going away party and we had three days left of life as we knew it. Every weekday morning is the same...my alarm goes off at five, Indy up at 6:15, Mattie 6:30, hair flying, mascara wands blazing, toast eaten, out the door by 7:15. We listen to music all the way to town *loud*...and I dance. I do not know how to drive if I'm not jamming...Mattie has embraced this...Indy rolls her eyes and shakes her head but she smiles and sometimes says, "Mom, you are really cute.".
We had dropped Mattie, were making the Starbucks circuit (trenta strawberry refresher, no water for me, grande vanilla chai for Indy) when Indy looked across the truck and said, "You know you are the one who's advice made this dream come true.".
"Yes mom. Your's. You said, 'Never choke when it counts...It's that easy....Don't choke.'."
I half laughed, half "choked"up.
I do say that.
I say it to myself and I have said it at important junctures to the girls. I even said...
I sometimes wish I had not agreed to be a Warrior. I sometimes wish I were selfish and small and took what I wanted without regard. I wish I pushed my way to the front of the line and screamed things like, "that's not fair", or "it's my turn", and "Nuuh uh" the way "adults" in today's world unabashedly do. I sometimes want to be a big baby and a crybaby...
... but I can't.
...I truly hate big babies and loathe cry babies...they disgust me. I have no patience for hand wringing and self pity. Better people have faced harder things than me so I am of the "buck up buttercup" mentality that screams "SHUT THE F UP AND DO THE HARD STUFF.".
Nothing will be harder than letting Indy leave to live in California but I must. My baby bird has clipped wings in our small community so when Anaheim Ballet asked Indy to come train with them and a beautiful family opened their doors to allow that possibility I gulped...and then said OK. I've told the story before of a tiny Indiana Marin Warrior proclaiming,...
The girls and I were visiting our local farmer's market at the Santa Fe Railyard. There's an abundance of local goods including beautiful flowers, organic produce and vendors selling a variety of handmade art in various mediums. I'm a huge supporter of creative expression with enterprise. To make a living through passion and art in its many forms is enviable. Knowing people pay for your art in written word, the knowledge you have and share, from the fruits of your labor, or your artistic expression on canvas, in fashion, or any contribution of beauty (Lili and Alisha :) is an accomplishment. One booth had old teeshirts rolled in a basket. There were several we liked but one we could not leave behind. This gray cut up shirt had friends peering up with familiar eyes. A long haired HHH, pre-shaved head Batista, and another well known star I'd name, but strangely, I can't see him, were center stage with a flying Matt Hardy, and Rey Mysterio rounding out the composition. It's a bad ass tee...
How much fun was it to speak to you WARRIORS! I love the chance to communicate with you through the blogs but to have an interactive, two way conversation was even better! You are such a smart, good humored, wonderful group of people. You are loyal to the core and ready for every possibility. That pumps me up!! Big time!!
One of the themes I wanted to revisit from the podcast was my admiration of those brave enough to be fearless with words! The bravery it takes to put a voice to your hopes, ambitions, heart's desire, and dreams is a powerful motivator in prompting the universe to open doors for what you want. I say this with the caveat that your freedom and fearlessness with words not burden another. That is a balancing act that must be made with great intelligence. While I think professing love to another is bold and important it must be in the realm of possibility that feeling is reciprocated. It is not always fearlessness but rather selfishness that causes words that once spoken can...
I hope if I inspire anything in you Warriors it is the belief of beauty in the future. I affirm this for my girls, my friends, all you Warriors, and myself. I am in a new place after losing my husband. A happier one again. One that can open the pages of our story with enough distance and enjoy it now. The sorrow has abated greatly. The light has a new feeling of warmth.
For this reason I agreed when Steve asked me to do this Thursday's podcast. I am ready for you Warriors to ask me any questions you want answered about Warrior and our life beyond. It will be fun to chat with all of you, hear your voices, reminisce, and encourage.
I also love this new roster of talent in both NXT and WWE so I'm happy to give you behind the scenes stories from Take Over and SummerSlam!! I might even tell you what I think of Brock Lesner and share the story of Randy Orton in Rio Rancho weeks after Warrior died.
It is up to you to call in this Thursday and steer the ship!! I love the challenge of this unexpec...
My husband was the most intense man I've ever known. This intensity was his greatest propelling force and his mark of ultimate excellence. His intensity was something I was drawn to and appreciated but looking back I wish I'd made him play more.
When we met I was still at Arizona State. I was a good girl but loved to have fun! Going dancing was a favorite night out and my girlfriends and I spent many hours on the dance floor! When Warrior and I started dating he asked what I enjoyed and I told him to take me dancing. He laughed. He laughed a big, deep, throaty laugh and then said a decisive, "No.".
No? I asked... No?
"No. I don't dance.".
I launched into an entire diatribe about... well...I do dance and you will have to take me...and you can just stand there...and I'll dance around you..and...and...and...
he said, "No".
We had many dates, did many things but never would he take me dancing which made me pout. Finally I believed his "no"was firm and stopped asking. One night we were at...
I always give myself a Friday deadline for my Monday blogs in case the muse that makes my fingers move alludes me. In the face of the deadliest shooting against our citizenry in modern history I feel I must reinforce the idea of expansion in our minds and hearts and take up arms with words against ignorance and hate. These innocent people were gunned down for no other reason than they were being their authentic selves. They were silenced by a madman with the hubris to imagine he had the right to dim their lights. Words can change hearts, words can educate an ignorant mind... Mattie used her words in fourth grade that expanded even her father's mind..."Who are you to tell somebody who they are meant to love.". Who indeed? And who are we not to stand up for the civil rights of our citizens? Expand love🌈...always.
Life is messy. Life is a mad dash and requires energy. Mad, wild, crazy, but harnessed energy.
Focused, intentional energy expands exponentially.
I think for many years I've known who I was at my core. I've known what I value and what my values are. I've known myself as a daughter, a student, a dreamer, a writer, a wife, a mother, a woman and yet...
I did not really know Dana.
I'm a work in progress.
I'm still growing into myself.
That is true for you too. No matter your chronological age you are still growing into the person you will ultimately be. When we are young and look at our caregivers they seem to have all the answers pocketed. They look to us like they have all their problems solved. With this simple ignorance we call them "grown ups". Now I realize those people we looked up to with such seeming wisdom were just further down the dusty path and often saddled with responsibility and regret of which we didn't even know the story. As warrior travelers we can luckily wipe the dust from our faces and brush on the war paint for life. As Warriors we can file experiences without suffocating regret and choose to evolve.
I love words. I love words so much they chase me. I love words more than I love most human beings. They rattle around in my mind until I put them on paper like orphans I give a home.
The word "endure" recently struck me. A friend used it in a conversation we were having and I had to write it in sharpie on my wrist. That word whispered to me at night and demanded consideration during the day. Endure. Endure. Endure. Then it struck me...endure is such a warrior word.
We have all been tested in life. We have all been clocked upside the head, spun out, lost our footing, fell flat on our faces and yet we make a choice to get up, square up to the assailant and endure. Enduring doesn't always mean putting ones proverbial fists up in battle. To endure is actually to be forced to often inactively wait for the chance to fight...the opportunity to battle...the moment to surge. As a Warrior I understand this endurance is the most frustrating test to face, and yet we must. Sometimes the battle befo...
As we grow through life we play characters, try on identities. We look in the mirror and say, "yes I think I could see myself in that life with the wardrobe and dialogue that goes with it..." but somehow it is not entirely authentic for us... for one simple reason...it is not the person we came here to authentically be. I recently told my dear friend, Anna, that after returning from WM32 life changed in enormous ways. Some truly for the better because of conscious decisions I've made, others for the worse because of all we've lost. One thing I can no longer long for is a small, quiet life. The responsibility of carrying the Warrior legacy forward with you Warriors, for his girls, your kids, and beyond demands I roll big.
Bigger than makes me comfortable.
I've learned it is only in times of great discomfort we actually stretch and grow. I have inspirational quotes on my mirror and one reads ,"just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended it became a butterfly.".